mother's day.

Mom - 
What can I really say here that will do justice to express just how much I love you. You gave me life and have helped me make the most of it by giving me the confidence to be myself. You have always been my biggest cheerleader, attending every extracurricular activity that I was involved in and cheering on my personal successes. You have stood by me when I've messed up and even kicked my butt a little when I needed it. Through good times and hard times, you've been my shining example of a woman who loves freely and unconditionally. 

There are few things that I love more than looking through old pictures --- especially ones of you. I think I've poured through my baby album, like what, a million times? But I've never noticed these before. 

This one in particular has got to be my new favorite.

I know this feeling. I know exactly what you're thinking, what you're feeling, what complete happiness it is to have a part of yourself snuggled so safely in your arms. And on Mother's Day today I just want to say thank you for loving me that much. For always holding me when I needed it. For being such an incredible, incredible mother. And for now being such a wonderful GranNan to my son. I love you. 

4 month updates & a mini-rant.

Can I just say how much fun we're having with Ty these days?

His smiles and giggles and constant affection are what I'm living for these days. We spend the majority of our time doing whatever it is that makes him happy. We practice standing, play on the playmat, in the jumparoo, and a lot of time outdoors. We read, do tummy-time, practice our hand-eye coordination, and usually count down the minutes until Daddy gets home. 

It's truly such a pleasure to watch the joy spread across Ty's face when we start an activity that he particularly loves. He flashes the sweetest gummy grin and squeals in delight and I tell him that I will do whatever activity it is that he is enjoying forever as long as he keeps smiling like that. 

Ty has also begun batting and grabbing things which is super exciting as he was a teensy bit behind on this particular milestone. A lot of the time we have to start by putting the item in his hand first but once he understands that it's there for him to play with, he'll grab and toy with it, and sometimes spend quite a while examining it very studiously as if he's trying to understand the purpose behind it. 

During bathtime, Ty is a kicker. I'm usually completely soaked by the end of this endeavor but we laugh together the entire time. I am just so happy that he enjoys baths now. 

Now onto my mini-rant.

Over the past few weeks, I have noticed a sudden increase in criticisms regarding my parenting from fellow mommies. Some have been from friends, some from family, and some from complete and total strangers. The thing is, I love advice. I mean, I'm new at this whole "mommy" thing and I love hearing the tricks of the trade but I also know the kind of parent I plan to be and the techniques I plan to use and unfortunately not everyone in the entire world is going to agree with it. I am constantly stopped by strangers telling me to "bundle that baby up" when it is 80 degrees outside (it's like old people think a baby is going to get sick unless it is literally swimming in it's own sweat), I was told by a friend that I was being completely irresponsible for co-sleeping with Ty, and I was practically chewed out by an acquaintance when I mentioned that Brandon and I were going to try the "cry out method" when it comes to crib-training Ty (apparently she thinks that when you let a baby "cry it out" you are teaching them to think that they can't rely on you). She even told me that if I let him "cry it out" then I deserve to allow him to let me "cry it out" in a nursing home one day. What?! I try to take it all with a grain of salt because, of course, everyone thinks their way of parenting is the right way but, truth be told, sometimes I find myself questioning my actions and decisions and wondering if I'm doing all this right. 

Fact of the matter is, there are several things that I do (or don't do) with Ty that may make people these days raise their eyebrows. He has a bumper in his crib. I do not plan on introducing any form of solid food (which includes rice cereal) until he is at least 6 months old. The television is almost always off if I'm home alone with him and almost always on if Brandon's home with us. If the pacifier falls on the ground, we blow it off and stick it back in his mouth. We plan on spanking him when he's older. We plan on letting him cry it out. And he will get all of his vaccinations.

Bottom line - the day I became a mom I became a supporter of other moms. I didn't look at them as competition, I looked at them -- at us-- as an alliance. We are a group of women with different backgrounds, different beliefs, and different values, with one very important thing in common: we love our kids. To me, as long as you love your child, I'm your biggest supporter....

And if we happen to cross paths and you happen to be using a different parenting method than I am to raise your child to be a functioning, happy, and healthy adult, I won't raise my eyebrows or say something negative... I'll smile instead and tell you that you're doing an amazing job. 

Because you are. 

4 months.

4 months.

Wow.

How in the...?

Brandon and I were talking yesterday while in Ty's room and I was going through Ty's dresser taking out all of the onesies, etc. that he know longer fits in and we just couldn't stop talking about how we can't believe how quickly he is growing! Our former itty-bitty graduated from 'newborn' and is now well into being a fun, smiling, and talkative infant and Brandon and I are LOVING it!

Just to show you how much Mr. Tyson has grown, look at this picture:

That onesie is one of the "preemie" onesies that Ty wore for the first month that we brought him home. It barely covers his torso now and it's insane to think that when we first put him in them, they were still a little too big! My goodness this boy is growing!

This month's pictures were quite interesting to take. I guess I called it last month when I said that they were going to be more difficult. Again, Ty struggled after his 4-month vaccinations and was so up-and-down with his mood that I decided to wait a few days before taking these so that he might feel a little better. Then, when we finally were able to do them... it took at least an hour to get a few good shots. Not to mention, the meltdown we had when I put Ty in the basket. He seriously hates being on his back.

Age: 4 months old! 

Weight: 14 pounds 12 ounces.

Height: 25.25 inches

Eating: Ty is still exclusively on breastmilk and we can go up to 5 hours in between feedings! However, his sleep has digressed and he's back to waking up 3-4 times a night. 

Tyson likes: Ty still loves being outside... it's the best and quickest way to stop a meltdown. He loves bathtime, having his gums brushed, practicing standing, being sung to, his wubbanub, chewing on anything (but particularly his hands), and is interested in watching his daddy and I do pretty much anything.

Tyson dislikes: Ty has begun to cry during diaper changes (great...) and when we take him out of the bathtub. He also hates when I put lotion on him after the bath and he has gotten to the point where he will refuse to take his Vitamin D drops (which I don't technically blame him... they smell disgusting).  Not to mention, he hates being laid on his back... which you will see below...

Yeah... those were super fun. 

Best Moment of the Month? Hand's down it was when Ty giggled for the first time. My heart almost literally burst out of my chest and flew across the room.  He doesn't do it very often, in fact I can count the total amount of times I've heard it on one hand, but I have a feeling I will be acting a fool to get as many giggles as I can out of this little boy for the next few years.
Milestones? We are this close to rolling over and his balance and head control is SO much better. He is constantly following things with his eyes and grabbing at items within his reach. His first giggle was pretty amazing and he'll do his best to mimic our facial expressions which is SO cute. 

We are seriously so ridiculously in love with our little Ty and while I am enjoying and having SO much fun with him now, I can't wait to see what the next month has in store! I just hope it doesn't go by so fast! 

it's funny.

Sometimes when Brandon and I are sitting in the couch, or driving home from somewhere, or eating dinner we like to play a little game called "Remember when...". It's not an actual game and most of the time we don't even realize we're playing it but I've noticed that we do it quite often and it always comes after having an extremely heartwarming moment with Ty. We go back and forth with each other, remembering what our dreams were like before Ty was even a thought in our minds and we laugh because looking at in hindsight, it was all really quite silly. 

It goes a little something like this:

"Remember when we said we would rather be homeless then move out of the city and into the country?"

"Remember when it wasn't really a Saturday night if we didn't have plans with a group of friends that ended with us having to call a cab because we were too drunk to drive?"

"Remember when our biggest goal was to plan a beach vacation for the upcoming summer?"

"Remember when people would ask us when we would start having kids and we would laugh, quite hysterically, in their face?"

And we could go on and on. 

It's funny how having a child can change everything. 

This past Saturday night, Brandon and I ate a quiet dinner that we cooked together at home and before we sat down to catch up some of our recorded tv we decided to head out to curb our sweet-tooth and get some frozen yogurt. We were dressed in sweats and oversized t-shirts and with baby in tow we headed out on a Saturday night. On the way to the ice cream shop, we passed The Station, a bar not too far from our house that used to be Brandon's old stomping grounds. We looked on as young and not-so-young people that were dressed in their Saturday-night-best stumbled in and out of that bar, laughing and yelling and for one poor girl, even throwing up in the parking lot. And then Brandon said it first...

"Remember when that was us?"

And I did remember. Because it wasn't that long ago at all, even though it felt like centuries. Those days were spent care-free with cocktails in hand where we would sleep in until noon and live paycheck to paycheck. Our "long-term" goals were only months ahead of us and the thought of saving money for the future seemed smart but something that we would focus on doing when we became "grown-ups". And I remember actually feeling sorry for people our age who had children and couldn't live their lives as care-free as we could.

And it's funny how warped I had it. 

Because sitting on the couch in our pajamas while we watch recorded episodes of Swamp People with Ty bouncing on our knees while we try to hurry up and eat our frozen yogurt before it melts is a certain kind of Saturday night perfection. And I wish I could shake my former self and tell her, "Just wait. These nights may seem fun but the best nights of your life are yet to come. And it's funny, because you'll be covered in spit-up and haven't had a chance to put on make-up in 3 days and you're not going to want to go to bed too late because you'll be woken up by 7 a.m. the next morning and expected to be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed by a certain little man who smiles the sweetest gummy little grin when he looks at you. And it's the best. It's better than any night out and any party dress and any 5-star restaurant. Your little family will make your heart swell with love and admiration and pure, honest, can't-be-compared-to-anything happiness. And you'll have an appreciation for life and your future and who you are and who you want to be like you've never had before."

And it's funny because I do. I really, really do. 

3 months

Well... Brandon and I made it through the first 3 months! They say the first 3 months are the hardest to survive (I suppose with the transition and sleepless nights, etc... but I imagine the teething months and the teenage years to actually be the hardest...) but regardless... we made it! Ty is officially 3 months old! 

Our little boy is turning out to be such a sweet, snuggly, happy little guy and we are head-over-heels in love with him! 

Now... I've got to tell you... these 3 month pictures were much, much harder to get. Ty was squirmy and wiggly and I could hardly get him to look at the camera. In the pictures on the sofa, he kept trying to throw himself forward as if to try and sit up by himself (which he has not quite mastered... in fact, most of the time when he attempts this he just kamikazes himself and ends up face-planting whatever surface is in front of him. Luckily, it has not yet been the floor or a hard surface and Brandon and I are always there to catch him.) On the bench, he was too interested in everything around him and in the basket he began to have a mini-tantrum because he did not want to be laying flat on his back. 

I'm going to have to get more creative for his 4-month pictures, I'm sure. 

Anyway... without further ado... here is our 3-month old baby-boy!

Age: 3 months old! 

Weight: ***

Height: ***

Eating: Ty is still exclusively on breastmilk but we're going a little bit longer between feedings. At night, we're only waking up once at about 3 a.m.!

Tyson likes: Ty has become quite the outdoorsman... loving and taking in the sunshine and fresh air. He's totally a morning baby and has become quite fond of bathtime and playing on his playmat. He loves to practice standing and walking up my chest. He also has become quite the kicker and thouroughly enjoys working out those legs of his. He laughs and smiles at his daddy and still loves to be held constantly. 
Tyson dislikes: Again, not being stimulated... he's constantly got to have someone or something entertaining him. He also isn't very fond of lying on his back for long periods of time. We have yet to be successful and getting him to sleep alone in his cradle at night, so, yeah, there's that...

Best Moment of the Month? Every single smile and coo tops the chart as the best moment. Not to mention, with every passing day, his personality is shining through a little bit more. He's quite determined to sit up on his own and loves to practice standing that it is super fun to watch and be a part of. Ty also got to meet Brandon's grandfather (Ty's great-grandfather) and we got to get a picture of the 4 generations of Sillivan men... it was a pretty special day. 
Milestones? Ty is smiling constantly and has become quite the coo-er. Brandon and I could sit in front of him for hours listening to his "stories". He's also getting much stronger, our little guy. Ty also had his first sleepover without Mommy and Daddy at GranNan and Pop's house and his first out-of-state roadtrip to visit Grandma and Grandpa in Arkansas... both at which he did wonderfully with!

We love you so much, our little Tyson Lee, and the past 3 months have been the happiest of our lives. 

wednesday - the day that would never end.

Yesterday was lousy. Seriously... it was just dumb. On Monday, Brandon and I were able to sneak a super quick and super last minute trip to Texarkana so that Ty could meet his Great-Grandparents on Brandon's side for the first time (more on that later) and while the trip was absolutely wonderful, Brandon and I ended up having to drive home to Baton Rouge super late on Tuesday night.

When we arrived home at 3 a.m., I knew that our schedule would be off. I mean, Ty and I are usually in bed by 9 p.m. and waking up for his midnight feeding at 3 a.m. Certainly NOT going to bed at 3 a.m.... I only hoped that Ty would be a sweetheart and sleep in a bit more the next morning.

Wishful thinking.

Ty was awake at 6 a.m. And not only was he awake but he was screaming bloody murder. My first thought (and judging by the type of crying he was doing) was that he was hungry. So I tried to feed him and the poor baby refused to latch on. At the time I wasn't that concerned... I just figured he was gassy or not hungry and just wanted to get out of bed and start the day. But when the crying didn't stop for another 2 hours and Ty still refused to breastfeed, I began to get very worried. Finally, I attempted to pump and put the milk in a bottle to see if Ty would eat that way and sure enough... the kid drank like he had never eaten before in his life (I blame it on the lack of sleep and not being able to focus between the screams as to why I didn't think of this sooner).

Turns out, after talking to my lactation nurse... Ty is on a "nursing strike". Never heard of it before? Neither had I. Apparently it can occur when there has been a disruption in your baby's schedule, you've slept in bed or a home that is not your own, or you've used a different soap or shampoo that could change your scent (even showering in a "harder" water can affect your scent). And yes, in the past 48 hours, we've done all of the above. My LN informed me it could last between 2-4 days and not to get frustrated but let's be serious... it is definitely frustrating when out of nowhere your baby refuses you. And even a little heartbreaking.

So there was that.

Then when Ty was fed and content he was ready to play. Problem is, there are only so many ways to play with a 3 month old (and I'm jumping the gun here because Ty will actually be 3 months next week). We played on our playmat. We did tummy-time. We read, like, 7 books. We played patty-cake. We practiced standing and walking. We sang and talked and walked around outside. But with every new activity his attention span would only last a few minutes and then he would start fussing again. (I'm not even mentioning the FOUR outfit changes Ty had to do due to excessive amounts of spit-up, pee, and a spectacular blow-out that deserved bragging rights). 

I think at one point I even said, "Mommy loves you but your demanding cries are annoying her right now..."

It was at that moment that I became the most frustrated with myself. And the fact that I'm not a perfect mom. Ty is going to have bad days and I am going to have bad days. I will certainly not always be at my Mary Poppins best, try as hard as I may. And even though I know this... I still get so disappointed in myself when I  let these days get the best of me. 

When Brandon woke up, he took over and let me go outside to sit on the swing and drink a cup of coffee. He suggested we get out the house. I suggested we drop Ty off at my parents' and go car shopping for a few hours. And so we did. And it was kinda just what I needed. 

On the way from my parents' later that evening I remembered how incredibly lucky I am. This high-maintenance little boy is mine. He is so beautiful. I'm his mommy. And I really am so grateful for every, single moment I get with him... whiny or not. And that husband of mine? He's amazing. Brandon really comes through when I begin to struggle and he works so dang hard to provide for us and let me stay at home with our little guy. Not many mommy's get this option. And he always comes home after a long, exhausting shift at work and offers to take over for me so that I can get some "Katie" time. Brandon's work schedule is grueling and he is such a wonderful partner and deserves all the Now-and-Later's that a guy can handle. 

And then there was this morning. Ty and I slept in til 8 and we both woke up in such great moods that I realized that every day I am going to get to renew myself to this whole "mom" thing and I am just so lucky that I get to do it and maybe one day I'll get it right.

hard...but great.

I almost named the title of this post "the great & the not-so-great" but after thinking about it, I realized that title wasn't very appropriate because (and this will sound so cliche) even the not-so-great moments are pretty awesome. Hard is a much more appropriate word.

Here are the facts... I knew even before I got pregnant that being a parent was hard work. You'd be a fool to think it's a walk in the park. And I knew that I would love my child unconditionally. And I knew that my life would change tremendously. But the fact of the matter is... I didn't realize then how hard parenthood is (and I'm only at the beginning!), or truly how much I would love our son, or exactly how quickly my entire life would be flipped upside down and centered around this little person that I created. 

And it's awesome. 

The things you'd think I'd not love, like waking up at the butt-crack of dawn, or changing his dirty diapers, or even being attached to him 24/7 because we're breastfeeding, I totally do love. They can be hard sometimes. I might literally die if someone told me I couldn't have coffee anymore. But I really do love them. 

When Ty wakes up at 6 a.m., my first initial thought is always, "Sweet boy... go back to bed. The sun hasn't even come up yet..." but with a bit more persistent grunting I always roll over and see his beautiful blue eyes staring at me and he starts wiggling and squirming excitedly the moment he notices that I'm awake and there's not an ounce in me that can force him to lay in bed a moment longer when he's just so anxious to greet the day. And truth of the matter is, he's such a morning baby. It's the best and happiest time of the day for him. He smiles and laughs and coos and squirms in the most heart-melting way in the morning that I actually look forward to it. I am in bed at 9 p.m. every night, not so much because I'm that tired, but because I want to be awake and active with him at 6 a.m. I want to love on him and smile with him and kiss him all over. So yeah, waking up before the sun rises every morning... hard... but great. 

And then there's breastfeeding. If someone was to ask me what my favorite part of being a new mother was, I might answer breastfeeding. And if someone were to ask me what my least favorite part of being a new mother was, I might answer breastfeeding. Breastfeeding is awesome in so many ways. I love being able to single-handedly provide the necessary nutrition to help our little baby grow. I love the sounds he makes while he's eating. I love the closeness we experience and the way he looks at me just before he latches on and I love the way he throws his head back and let's out a big stretch when he's finished so that I can know he's satisfied. Nursing Ty may be, in my 25 years, my most favorite thing that I've ever done. Maybe not the best, certainly not the most impressive -- and I mean, I do have ambitions outside of being a mother.... but my most favorite and I consider it such an honor. And have I mentioned that I'm good at it? Not to brag, I mean I'm terrible at being pregnant... but nursing? Nursing I'm good at. My breasts (thanks to my mom's awesome genes) are constantly ready to go. They're practically at a constant state of engorgement. I do not struggle in the milk production area at all. I mean, I started leaking colostrum at 28 weeks. And when my milk let down like a day after giving birth, my boobs went from a size B to a DD (I have the stretch marks to prove it). But then there's the flip side. Breastfeeding means being attached to your baby at all times. Sure, you can pump and leave them for an hour here or there but trust me, your breasts will let you know that your baby still needs to eat. Ouch. And I'm not saying that I'm the most independent person in the world but I do like having a bit of freedom. While breastfeeding, like being pregnant, your body is not just yours. The food I eat and the beverages I drink are not just for me. I can't even tell you when the last time I had something with a bit of spice in it was. I'd like to be able to let Brandon be the one to wake in the middle of the night to feed Ty. Or not have to worry that I'm not leaving him enough pumped milk when leaving him with my parents for the afternoon. And not to mention that much of our days are centered around breastfeeding. If I have to run to the grocery store, I need to make sure it's closely after a feeding. If I'm going to be out for a long period of time, I need to be sure I will have a place to breastfeed. I am not ashamed to breastfeed in public... I will certainly risk the comfort of others to nurture my son... but if I can help it, I will try to do it privately. But all in all... my love for breastfeeding exceeds my annoyances with it. Breastfeeding? Hard... but great.

One thing I didn't anticipate was just how much I would love Ty. I knew I would love him. I knew that it would be like a love I had never experienced... but nothing, absolutely no figment of my imagination, could have prepared me for the vastness of this love. I have never in my life been more protective of something, or more in love with someone. My life has transitioned. I'm not the person I used to be. A year ago, if you would have asked me who I was.... who Katie Sillivan was exactly... I might have answered with a dozen different adjectives... "I'm a wife. And a wannabe wine-connoisseur. A lover of fashion and interior design and spur-of-the-moment trips to Vegas..." I probably could've gone on an on. But now? Now if you were to ask me who I am, I'd answer simply, "I'm Ty's mom." And that's it. That's all. It's not that I've lost my sense of identity but being his mom supersedes all else. It's now what I take the most seriously. I'm responsible for the upbringing of another person and I will do everything I can to be successful at this. I stay awake at night praying for the right amount of patience and wisdom and guidance that it will take to raise this child. I don't want to mess it up. Sometimes when Ty has days where he doesn't want to be put down and I spend all my time holding him and letting the pile of clean clothes that need to be folded turn into a mountain on the sofa, I wonder if I'm creating a monster. Am I already spoiling him? Should I let him cry it out? What if these small decisions I'm making now cause him to become a 5 year old terror? (These are honestly the things I'm currently freaking over...). But I know I can do it. Transitioning to a momma? Hard... but great/awesome/kinda what I feel like I was born to do.